Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
