The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
