I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
