My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
