She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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