so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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