hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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