i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Tell her she can't have a vagina
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
