I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
