I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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