it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
