We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
