The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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