Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
