my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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