I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
well, you know. whores of a feather.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
