Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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