Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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