That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
