Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
