Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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