Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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