I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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