I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
