WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
