mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
