I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
