glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
