I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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