I accidentally burped into my bong.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
