Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
