the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
