I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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