She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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