thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
