when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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