you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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