i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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