Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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