and my herpes radar will keep us safe
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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