I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
