On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i barfeds in our rink
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
