The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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