Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Boobs are out for the taking
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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