Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
