I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
