I'm laying in your front yard are you home
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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