Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
