It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Randomize
