Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
