My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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