i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
