Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
